Could the LHC make an Earth-killing black hole? (Synopsis)

“There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome.”
“And your defect is a propensity to hate everybody.”
“And yours… is wilfully to misunderstand them.” –
Jane Austen

Every time we go to higher and higher energies in our particle accelerators, we’ve got a chance for new discoveries, a new understanding, and if we’re lucky, some brand new (and unexpected) physics.

Image credit: CERN.
Image credit: CERN.

But — on the downside — the crazies all come out of the woodwork, and it’s time to take on the most regularly-trotted-out, sensational and unscientific claim of all: that the LHC will create a black hole with the potential to destroy the Earth.

Image credit: original source unknown, retrieved from https://oediku.wordpress.com/2010/10/01/black-hole-on-earth/.
Image credit: original source unknown, retrieved from https://oediku.wordpress.com/2010/10/01/black-hole-on-earth/.

No. It won’t. And here’s why.