Starts With A Bang!

Weekend Diversion: Superheroes and Politics

What would your favorite superhero do? What do they support and believe in, and whom do they vote for? I’m tired of other people’s incorrect guesses, so I put my scientific mind to the task. Let’s find out.

1. He-Man: Okay, let’s get things straight. He-Man is not just rich, he’s Prince of Eternia. He rules armies, he spends a lot of time bodybuilding, and he’s basically the man that Arnold Schwarzenegger dreams of becoming every night. Despite his pink attire while in his secret identity and an inordinate amount of time spent with characters like “Ram-man”, He-Man has yet to break up his sham relationship with Teela.

Verdict: Economic conservative, social conservative = Conservative Republican (Newt Gingrich)

2. Batman: Where does he get all those wonderful toys? He buys them, with his billions and billions of dollars. This guy is Sam Walton on a power trip, with a vast fortune earned at the expense of his workers. Sure, he fights crime, but I’m sure he’s just fighting for a flat tax, as well as to quell the poor from unionizing against Wayne Enterprises. Keep those overseas wars going, and don’t ask, don’t tell about what the “caped crusader” is doing with the “boy wonder” and no one will be the wiser.

Verdict: Economic laissez-faire, social conservative = Nutty Libertarian (Ron Paul)

3. Superman: He’s the red, white, and blue man of steel. If there were a superhero who embodied the Hulkamaniac spirit of taking your vitamins, saying your prayers, using the buddy system when you swim, and staying away from drugs, it’s this guy. “Good Superman story, Clark!” Steady job for a huge corporation in Metropolis with a subservient, soldier-like attitude, and you’ve got yourself a G.I. Joe superhero.

Verdict: Economic conservative, extreme social conservative = Extreme Right-Winger (Tom Coburn)

4. Spider-Man: Not every superhero votes republican come November, however. Spider-Man has my sympathies. He’s got a crappy job with no job security, a real jerk of a boss who hates his guts, takes care of his old, feeble Aunt May, has two demanding girlfriends that he can’t seem to do right by, a host of super-rich villains like Dr. Octopus gunning for him, and no money, no car, and never seems to get any sleep. Finally, a superhero who would fight for worker’s rights, except he doesn’t have the time or energy left to do it. Can you imagine him talking to the other three about politics? “Don’t tell me you guys voted for McCain!”

Verdict: Economic liberal, social moderate = Ineffective Run-Of-The-Mill Democrat (John Kerry)

This political post is dedicated to the memory of Tony Snow, someone whose politics I abhorred and yet someone whose personal and political skills I greatly admired. He would have been wonderfully interesting to sit down and have a conversation with, because he had a brilliantly simple time spinning even the worst news to sound reasonable and optimistic. R.I.P., Tony Snow.